Schrödingers Client List

America's Never Ending Cliffhanger.

From the desk of Harlan S. Tiddles, Chief Correspondent of the Federal Analysis and Research Team: F.A.R.T.

Well, friends, it’s officially official. The Department of Justice and the FBI have concluded their years-long investigation into the Jeffrey Epstein files with two bold findings: Epstein killed himself (like, for real this time, seriously), and after all these years, there is no “client list.”

Ah, yes… the client list. The often-cited, never-before-seen cosmic ledger of the rich and powerful’s darkest secrets. Turns out, it contains absolutely nothing. Case closed.

Allegedly.

For the past six years, grifters, influencers, and podcasters, some of whom made their way into high-profile positions within the FBI, have built careers implying or just boldly accusing that Democrats and rich celebrities were on a list that proved guilt or involvement in child sex trafficking.

Earlier this year, there was a big media push at the White House on this very topic. A who’s who of right-wing grifters and influencers appeared at events, holding up binders they claimed were the Epstein files.

Boilerplate Q-Anon claims followed: “They are not prepared for this storm that is coming when the world lays eyes on this,” they would say.

But as usual, the “storm” that they kept promising was more like watching Game of Thrones and hearing that winter is coming for seven straight seasons. But at least Game of Thrones was slightly more entertaining and had dragons.

Now, suddenly… nothing. What did they find, or not find? We may never know, at least until it becomes a profitable venture or a political opportunity.

This grift did not even offer us a season seven payoff like when winter finally showed up in season seven of Game of Thrones. Nope, this was more like a show being canceled after ending a season on a cliffhanger. Like when they canceled ALF and then later had to wrap things up by making a shitty made for TV movie.

But wait… perhaps there is somebody who can shed some light on this?

Enter Elon Musk, who claims that not only is there a list, but that he is pretty sure Donald Trump and Steve Bannon are on it. Did Elon see the list? The very list that does not exist? If I am being honest, I wouldn’t be shocked if Elon is just out here hallucinating weird shit. Just look at the guy. Even Keith Richards would probably tell him to slow down on the drugs.

Or maybe Elon is lying for political gain now that he and Trump have called off their bromance. Either way, the lack of funding his companies are receiving from the government was enough to motivate him to begin launching a new political party, conveniently named “America,” with an official platform of “We’ll tell you who’s on the list, once you are verified for a small monthly fee.”

It is safe to assume he will keep the Epstein hype train rolling, pull in disgruntled MAGA defectors, attract new followers, and attract fresh influencers and grifters eager to drop the next round of merch. This is the American way in 2025. It doesn’t matter if something is true, supported by evidence, or remotely based in reality, as long as you can slap it on a Chinese-made hat or T-shirt and sell it, that’s all that matters.

Elon is likely to play the role of the shitty made for TV movie to try and wrap this controversial ending up in a rushed and embarrassing fashion.

So, who’s been lying? Was it all those who claimed a list existed, fanned the flames of this conspiracy for years, and used it to accuse anyone they disliked of being a pedophile? Probably. Or is it those who now insist no list exists, perhaps to protect someone or multiple someones? Probably that too. You, I, all of us, have been played by career liars.

For years, I have speculated that if a list does exist, it would be so incriminating to both sides of the aisle that releasing it would mean mutually assured destruction. You cannot expose one side without implicating the other. The argument that I see pop up by Trump defenders frequently states, “If Trump were on it, the Democrats would have released it.” This argument falls short because, though democrats would do nearly anything to attack Trump, they are very likely aware that they can not take themselves down in the process. Meanwhile, I am constantly asking, if someone is not on the list and is being accused of being on the list, why not just release it and clear your name?

Instead, both sides can now just say, “What list? There is no list.” Plausible deniability wins. This setup lets everyone speculate that the other side is guilty, while denying any involvement themselves. It works beautifully for both parties.

Just look at the way Trump reacted when asked about it in a cabinet meeting. Knowing full well that this has been a huge side quest from his MAGA base, if not a main plot line for 6 years, his direct response was…

“Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy's been talked about for years. Are people still talking about this guy? This creep? That is unbelievable, I can't believe you're asking a question on Epstein at a time like this, when we're having some of the greatest success, and also tragedy with what happened in Texas. It just seems like a desecration."

After lecturing the reporter for wasting precious time asking what many would see as valid and important questions, Trump then spent the rest of his time in this cabinet meeting babbling on and on about absolutely nothing of importance. He wants this swept under the rug. Why?

What we have now is a real-life example of Schrödinger’s cat… or in this case, Schrödinger’s list.

For those unfamiliar with the idea behind Schrödinger’s Cat. In 1935, physicist Erwin Schrödinger dreamed up this thought experiment to show how weird quantum mechanics really is. Imagine placing a cat inside a box with a radioactive atom. The cat’s fate depends on a random quantum event. The radioactive atom might decay and trigger the release of poison, or it might not. Until you open the box and check, quantum theory says that the cat is both alive and dead at the same time. Only by looking do you force the universe to pick one reality.

So, in true American fashion, everyone just keeps arguing on Twitter about whether the cat is dead or alive or just staying inside the box to avoid student loan debt without ever opening it.

So, friends, pull up a chair, sit back, relax, and let me tell you a tale of Schrödinger’s List. This is a list that simultaneously exists and does not exist, depending entirely on whose name you think is on it.

• RFK Jr.? List? What list? Never heard of it.

• Joe Biden? Obviously on the list, didn’t you see the pics of him sniffing kids?

• Steve Bannon? “What is this list you speak of? Come on, get real.”

• Bill Clinton? You bet your ass the list exists and he is definitely on it.

• Donald Trump? “Are you guys still talking about Jeffrey Epstein in a time like this?”

• Some woke, college-educated barista who listens to NPR? Absolutely on the list.

The magic of Schrödinger’s List is that it is both the world’s most exclusive VIP party and also a total fabrication, depending on who needs a scapegoat this week. It is a blank check for outrage. One moment, it is a sacred artifact protected by the deep state and/or Disney; the next, it is a myth cooked up by conspiracy theorists and radical lunatics. There is always the good ole reliable claims that the other side destroyed it to protect themselves, which I have a feeling we will see plenty of this tactic moving forward. It’s just too easily predictable.

Ask anyone for proof, and any real evidence all vanishes. Yet that will not stop somebody from creating a YouTube channel about how their cousin’s hair stylist’s brother saw it and can confirm that Barack Obama is on the list. You jump to Twitter (I refuse to call it X, and you should too) to see, “Just wait for Elon to post the documents.”

The list is always coming soon, just like the next time GameStop squeezes to eighty bajillion dollars.

Ask the DOJ or the FBI, and they will tell you, with a straight face, that the list does not exist, and if it has ever existed, it was likely destroyed by their political opponents, or simply “missing.”

The outrage machine keeps spinning because the truth is never as profitable as the mystery. Secrecy is the ultimate grift; this is the way to keep it profitable.

In the end, Schrödinger’s List is the perfect American artifact, infinitely flexible, forever profitable, and never fully open to the public. The only thing you can know for sure is that you are not on it… until you are, and you are off it the second you buy the right hat or T-shirt.

Slogans are created, logos printed on t-shirts, entire podcasts and Netflix documentaries are built upon this… because the mystery is way more profitable than the answer.

After all of the political theater, the accusations, the Facebook rants from your crazy uncle who got a Q-Anon tattoo because of this alleged list, the promises of justice, the promises of transparency. After all of this, the real tragedy is that there are actual victims who will seemingly not be seeing any real justice anytime soon, if ever, and that should infuriate all of us.